Major League Baseball Announces Hitters May Use Bats to Retaliate Against Beanings

Citing the need to protect hitters, baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced yesterday that hitters will now be allowed to use their bats to retaliate against pitchers who have hit them with a pitched ball.

"It may seem a bit extreme," Selig said, "but we had to do something. This seemed like the only fair and reasonable thing to do." According the rule, which will be effective immediately, hitters who have been hit by a pitch may now chase the pitcher and beat him with the bat once he catches him. He will not be allowed to throw the bat, as that could possibly lead to the injury of another player or an umpire.

The first use of the new rule was witnessed earlier today by fans in Oakland, when Jason Giambi was hit by a Roger Clemens fastball, and chased the corpulent pitcher down, hitting him several times before the umpires jumped in. Clemens suffered two broken bones, and was sent to the hospital.

"Let's face it," Selig said, "we're all sick and tired of seeing some wimp pitcher hit a guy and glare at him like he's real tough. Now, he'll need to get running, because the guy will be after him with a bat. The fans will love it."

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